An oldie but a goodie...
Joshy: mom, I need a barger thing.
Me: a what?
Joshy: you know, those things people use when they just barge in on someone?
Me: I think you mean a battering ram...or a ramrod...
Joshy: yeah- that. I need one of those things.
I don't even want to know.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Way to go, Grace....
This morning I dropped my phone on the floor after a few botched attempts to catch it. Justin happened by about that time, and without even looking up from the floor, mumbled "nice hands, feet".
Thanks, Justin.
Thanks, Justin.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Moisty?
Getting in the truck last night after a light rain...
Zach: it's really moisty out here...moist...moisture, whatever it is!
Me: moisty?
Zach: yeah, it's really damp.
Jason: it's called rain, son.
Zach:oh...has it been raining?
Me: wait- you just said....nevermind. Yes, Zach. It's moisty.
Zach: it's really moisty out here...moist...moisture, whatever it is!
Me: moisty?
Zach: yeah, it's really damp.
Jason: it's called rain, son.
Zach:oh...has it been raining?
Me: wait- you just said....nevermind. Yes, Zach. It's moisty.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The Great White North
Zach and Justin, pondering the whereabouts of Alaska-stationed brother Joe:
Zach: (looking at a map) so where's Joe at?
Justin: up there, in Alaska. In the middle of it.
Zach: the middle...here?
Justin: no doofus, that's the United States. He's in the US, just in Alaska. Here. (points)
Zach: oh...well what's this big space in the middle?
Justin: it's Canada, you dope.
So proud. So. Proud.
Zach: (looking at a map) so where's Joe at?
Justin: up there, in Alaska. In the middle of it.
Zach: the middle...here?
Justin: no doofus, that's the United States. He's in the US, just in Alaska. Here. (points)
Zach: oh...well what's this big space in the middle?
Justin: it's Canada, you dope.
So proud. So. Proud.
Little Dirty Birdy Feet...
Well a big thank-you and kiss on the cheek to Hubs for reminding me of this one...
During the summer, especially on house cleaning days, when the boys are outside, I lock the front door to keep them from running in and out of it and tracking the house up, and also because there is no way of knowing what they'll bring inside with them that they just HAVE to show me. Once Caleb caught a lizard, which bit him on the side of his hand and hung on. Instead of prying it off, he ran all the way into the kitchen to show me that it was hanging there like an ornament. I don't mind lizards, but that certainly does not mean I want one in my bed, so if you please, can you take it outside before it drops off in the house? His answer was "oh no, he's real mad, he just bites harder when you touch him". Well as long as you're sure.
Sometimes they tell people that I lock them out of the house- they leave out the part where the other three doors are open, just not the front door. You should see people's faces when they tell that..."she locks you out?" oh yeah, she wants to keep the house clean. Haha!
Anyway, during one of these locked-door-because-moms-mopping days, the windows were open, and Caleb and Joshy had killed a bird with their bb guns and "field dressed" it. Now, if you're squeamish, or some kind of PETA person or something, you should stop reading now. Look; our kids think that animals (wild ones, anyway) are here to be shot, dressed and thrown on the grill and I'm inclined to go along with that because it drastically reduces our grocery bill. They once shot a chickadee while they were at grandpa and grandmas, and since you don't shoot animals unless you intend to eat them, grandpa plucked that little thing, stuck it on a stick and roasted it and they ate it. That's right, they ate a chickadee. But they learned their lesson. Or so we thought.
Those two killed this bird, cleaned it, and brought it to me wanting me to start them a fire so they could eat it. I told them no. I told them to get rid of it and to not do that any more. Well, after being upset about wasting it, (I told them that next time they should coordinate schedules for roasting with the fire-maker to prevent waste) they threw it in the ditch for the critters to eat. Let me rephrase that. They threw most of it out. Because the next thing I knew, they were at the window again with the dismembered legs, pulling on the tendons making the feet flex and bend and stuff..."look! If you pull on these threads the feet go like this: *scratch*scratch*scratch*" while they were pinching and scratching each other with them. All I could say was "you better get that mess off my porch!"
Fast forward to the next morning. Laundry day. I'm unloading the washer getting ready to hang a basket out on the line, and after I'd emptied it, I looked in and there appeared to be a small stick laying in the bottom. I picked it up...it was a bird foot. One of them had put it in his pocket "for later". I laid it on the corner of the washer and called Joshy in (he was closest) and said "I think this belongs to you..." and his face lit up like Christmas morning, "you found it! I thought I lost it!" and off he went...I told him to just not keep it in his bedroom.
During the summer, especially on house cleaning days, when the boys are outside, I lock the front door to keep them from running in and out of it and tracking the house up, and also because there is no way of knowing what they'll bring inside with them that they just HAVE to show me. Once Caleb caught a lizard, which bit him on the side of his hand and hung on. Instead of prying it off, he ran all the way into the kitchen to show me that it was hanging there like an ornament. I don't mind lizards, but that certainly does not mean I want one in my bed, so if you please, can you take it outside before it drops off in the house? His answer was "oh no, he's real mad, he just bites harder when you touch him". Well as long as you're sure.
Sometimes they tell people that I lock them out of the house- they leave out the part where the other three doors are open, just not the front door. You should see people's faces when they tell that..."she locks you out?" oh yeah, she wants to keep the house clean. Haha!
Anyway, during one of these locked-door-because-moms-mopping days, the windows were open, and Caleb and Joshy had killed a bird with their bb guns and "field dressed" it. Now, if you're squeamish, or some kind of PETA person or something, you should stop reading now. Look; our kids think that animals (wild ones, anyway) are here to be shot, dressed and thrown on the grill and I'm inclined to go along with that because it drastically reduces our grocery bill. They once shot a chickadee while they were at grandpa and grandmas, and since you don't shoot animals unless you intend to eat them, grandpa plucked that little thing, stuck it on a stick and roasted it and they ate it. That's right, they ate a chickadee. But they learned their lesson. Or so we thought.
Those two killed this bird, cleaned it, and brought it to me wanting me to start them a fire so they could eat it. I told them no. I told them to get rid of it and to not do that any more. Well, after being upset about wasting it, (I told them that next time they should coordinate schedules for roasting with the fire-maker to prevent waste) they threw it in the ditch for the critters to eat. Let me rephrase that. They threw most of it out. Because the next thing I knew, they were at the window again with the dismembered legs, pulling on the tendons making the feet flex and bend and stuff..."look! If you pull on these threads the feet go like this: *scratch*scratch*scratch*" while they were pinching and scratching each other with them. All I could say was "you better get that mess off my porch!"
Fast forward to the next morning. Laundry day. I'm unloading the washer getting ready to hang a basket out on the line, and after I'd emptied it, I looked in and there appeared to be a small stick laying in the bottom. I picked it up...it was a bird foot. One of them had put it in his pocket "for later". I laid it on the corner of the washer and called Joshy in (he was closest) and said "I think this belongs to you..." and his face lit up like Christmas morning, "you found it! I thought I lost it!" and off he went...I told him to just not keep it in his bedroom.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Beavers
Joshy while hiking around some ponds where there was lots of beaver sign: "it's raining beavers!"
Haaaa!! And not one of them is old enough to laugh like i did.
Haaaa!! And not one of them is old enough to laugh like i did.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
The Hippies
Last night as Hubs was driving the boys to town:
Caleb: can Joe go ice fishing in Alaska?
Hubs: sure, people go ice fishing there all the time.
Caleb: those kind of people are called hobos.
Hubs: hobos? Who's a hobo?
Caleb: no...hippies! They're called hippies!
Hubs: what? Hippies?
Zach: they're Eskimos, Caleb. They're called Eskimos.
Caleb: YEAH! Eskimos! That's the word!
It seems some PC education is in order here....
Caleb: can Joe go ice fishing in Alaska?
Hubs: sure, people go ice fishing there all the time.
Caleb: those kind of people are called hobos.
Hubs: hobos? Who's a hobo?
Caleb: no...hippies! They're called hippies!
Hubs: what? Hippies?
Zach: they're Eskimos, Caleb. They're called Eskimos.
Caleb: YEAH! Eskimos! That's the word!
It seems some PC education is in order here....
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The wrestler
Today Joshy came home with a note from his teacher that said after math class, he decided to pick up his chair, hold it over his head and "do exercises" with it. She said she had a talk with him about the dangers of having a chair over his head. We asked him what the deal with the chair was, and he said "oh, I was just practicing to be a pro wrestler".
Seriously?
But then he said "I'm not really going to be a pro wrestler, I could be killed. Those guys use tables and stuff". This while he had no shirt on, and pajama pants on his head like a sheik. And then he walked away, like it was the most normal thing he'd done all day....
Seriously?
But then he said "I'm not really going to be a pro wrestler, I could be killed. Those guys use tables and stuff". This while he had no shirt on, and pajama pants on his head like a sheik. And then he walked away, like it was the most normal thing he'd done all day....
Postellas
Three of the five are in orchestra at school- Zach, Justin and Josh A. They do one fundraiser every year and that is to sell poinsettias at the Christmas concert.
Zach: We have order forms for the postellas!
Me: The what?
Zach: Postellas, poncellas.......whatever they are!
Me: No, honey, I don't know- what do they look like?
Zach: you know, those red Christmas flowers?
Me:....poinsettias?
Zach: yeah! Postellas!
Well, I can't ever call them anything else now.
Zach: We have order forms for the postellas!
Me: The what?
Zach: Postellas, poncellas.......whatever they are!
Me: No, honey, I don't know- what do they look like?
Zach: you know, those red Christmas flowers?
Me:....poinsettias?
Zach: yeah! Postellas!
Well, I can't ever call them anything else now.
Risking Your Own Life
In our house leftover night is called "Every Man For Himself". Zach botched it so bad one night with "is tonight risk your own life night?" I can't stop laughing!
Of course, it might be. Depends on how far back in the fridge you dig. Then maybe.
Of course, it might be. Depends on how far back in the fridge you dig. Then maybe.
Contraband
So, we're putting the kids to bed the other night, and I look in Caleb's room and see that he has a scissors in his bed. Jason goes in to confiscate the scissors, because that is not allowed except at the table with supervision. He asked Caleb "so what other contraband have you got in here?" "what's that mean?" "You know, guns, knives, more scissors, explosives, that sort of thing." At which point Caleb jumps up and says "Oh! I have this!" And pulls from his nightstand....a homemade firework bomb. Complete with unlit fuse. He's been stashing unused Black Cats from 4th of July and New Year's until he had enough, and stuffed them in a big fishing bobber with the fuse out the top.
This, my friends, is why Captain Morgan makes rum.
Now bring us the figgy pudding....
Lol Caleb just told me his favorite Christmas song is "the one with the figgy pudding" haha!
He remembers that line, but not the "we wish you a merry Christmas" part?
He remembers that line, but not the "we wish you a merry Christmas" part?
Why Muppets love each other...
While watching the Muppet Caper with Josh: I can see why Piggy loves Kermit so much, frogs are fascinating.
My life savings!
Josh: mom, if you made me a caramel pie for my birthday, I'd give you my life savings...
Me: all $2, eh?
Josh: (very seriously) oh no- I have almost $10!!
Me: all $2, eh?
Josh: (very seriously) oh no- I have almost $10!!
This is nuts....
Zach: can I try this peanut brittle?
Me: you don't like nuts, and thats basically all that is...
Zach: well peanuts are fine, and pecans. I'm just a picky nut eater- like acorns. I don't like acorns.
Jason: o_o.....nobody eats acorns son...
Me:hahahahaaaa!!!!
Me: you don't like nuts, and thats basically all that is...
Zach: well peanuts are fine, and pecans. I'm just a picky nut eater- like acorns. I don't like acorns.
Jason: o_o.....nobody eats acorns son...
Me:hahahahaaaa!!!!
Lost Tots
Today, Jason and Josh and Caleb dropped me off at the store before they went over to Orschelns......the boys were looking at toys, and while they were busy doing that Jason went around the corner to get a new shovel handle. As he was coming back this is what he heard....
Caleb: Dad? Dad? Where's dad?
Josh: oh no! We're lost!!
(they look at each other...)
OH NO!! WE'RE LOST TOTS!!
Caleb: Dad? Dad? Where's dad?
Josh: oh no! We're lost!!
(they look at each other...)
OH NO!! WE'RE LOST TOTS!!
I got mad parenting skills....
Josh: mom, I'm sure glad you're one of those moms that will actually take care of me, and feed me stuff I like and not just feed me one time a day and make me go work in the field.
Me: well geez, I hope I take better care of you than that!
Josh: yeah, you do pretty good. There's some stuff you could try to do better, but you're ok.
I....don't guess I know quite how to take that!
Me: well geez, I hope I take better care of you than that!
Josh: yeah, you do pretty good. There's some stuff you could try to do better, but you're ok.
I....don't guess I know quite how to take that!
Dollar dollar bills, yo...
Justin, while looking at several $5 bills he has (with the purple ink on them): ha, these are all fakes.
Me (totally kidding): Justin, are you counterfeiting money in your bedroom?
Justin: no, that's illegal!
Me: I was kidding, Justin.
Justin: I was too.....
Wait, what?
Me (totally kidding): Justin, are you counterfeiting money in your bedroom?
Justin: no, that's illegal!
Me: I was kidding, Justin.
Justin: I was too.....
Wait, what?
It's a Start
I guess I can start this because I have so many funny stories about our kids- something happens almost every day! I usually just post this stuff on Facebook, and people keep saying "oh you should write a book!" But I decided to do this instead:) It's ok, you can call me lazy. I don't mind. I'm tired.
I really can't remember every funny thing they've ever said or done, but I can tell you it's a lot!
We have 6 boys- the oldest is 20 and is a helicopter mechanic in the Army, he's stationed in Alaska. It sucks. I miss him terribly. He was just home at Christmas for a week, though, and that was nice. He had to run around too much while he was here and I think it was frustrating for him. I know it was for me.
Anyway- that's Joe. Then there's Zach, he's 12. He mixes up his words a lot and mispronounces things and it cracks me up! Sometimes it's just epic. Then Justin, he's 11, he's the reader of the group- like chock full of completely random things. Most are useless. Then there's Josh A. He's 10. He flips out about meaningless stuff a lot, and really wants to BE big and older, and it's just not happening fast enough for him. He's the science-ey type. We bought him a watch for Christmas last year and he's worn it for the last 365 days without fail, to the point of giving himself a pressure ulcer from too tight of a band. That kid:) Then there's Josh K. (Joshy) (that's right- two Josh's). He's 9. This boy is a wild man. Like cannot sit, in the office at school all the time, acting crazy every second he's awake- but then loves his kitty cats and will sit and hold them for hours, until they scratch and bite him because they no longer wish to be held. Last but not least is Caleb, who is also 9. He is probably the toughest kid I know. Super fast runner/tree climber/bike rider- he scares me. And the two 9 year olds are just three days apart- July 10 and July 13. So that's the bunch of them. They're maniacs.
Now- when we met, I told my husband I was scared. "Too many", I said. He grinned. "Too much". He grinned. "How will we do it?" I said. He grinned. And then he said "Baby, we got this." And we do:) I love him so.
I don't know- This won't be in any particular chronological order, I mean later it will be, but when I start thinking about all the crazy things they've said and done, they thoughts just keep coming! And when you start reading this, you'll know it's a wonder I can string two thoughts together at any given time. We live out in the country, so there's lots of room for them to invent these things to do...
So- ok. We just moved into a new (to us) house this past fall. Now, I'm not scared by much- but I REALLY do not like possums and mice. I don't know why- I have had pet boa constrictors and pythons, and lizards and tarantulas, and stuff usually doesn't scare me. But those two things just don't sit with me. I once shot a possum on the front porch of my house with a .22 magnum, and since it wouldn't stop moving I was afraid it was coming for me so I shot it 6 times....so, it's like that. Joe thought I was AWESOME for doing so (he was about 8) and then reenacted the whole story for anyone who would listen, complete with writhing on the floor imitating the possum. Nice. Well, when we moved, this house had been vacant for awhile while they were renovating. So, that's when The Drama started. The night we moved in, we were just exhausted- it had rained on us all flippin' day long, we and all of our stuff was covered in mud- it was really terrible. We collapsed into bed at like 11:30 that night. The next morning, Hubs and I went down to the kitchen and I went to make the coffee. I saw then while I was rinsing the pot out that I had forgotten to let out the dishwater I had the night before when I was wiping things down. So, sleepy headed me, reaches down without much thought- you know, we were discussing what we wanted to get done and set up and unpacked that day, and yada yada. I reach in and grab the dishrag that was floating on top, and threw it in the other basin, and in the same movement I stuck my hand in to reach for the plug and looked down....to see A DEAD MOUSE DROWNED IN THE DISHWATER! Holy crap!!! Well, I had a less than mature reaction to that little event- and so Hubs came over and got it and threw it outside while I Cometed and then bleached the sink and everything else in the entire kitchen. So, alerted by my screeching, naturally all five come running in, and I told them what happened. Well- the hunt was on. It was like that movie Mouse Trap. I told Hubs I thought I just needed him to set some traps, but he's so clever and all, his reply was "well, it looks like you've got that part under control- just leave a sink full of water every night!" You know, that's not funny.
That night, we hadn't seen a mouse all day, I was under the delusion that we were safe. Until bedtime. Hubs and I had gone out to the patio and sat on the porch swing and were having a drink, and when we came in, he went to put the glasses in the sink, and I went to the laundry room. When I turned and came out- he was gone! Or at least I thought he was- I saw him then, just the top of his head peeking over the top of the bar. I thought "what is he doing down there?" and went around to see.....and there they were. He had his cup upside down on the floor. Naturally, my heart began to pound- "what is that? what are you doing? why is your cup like that?" and then I realized- he had a mouse under there! He saw it running across the floor, simply stepped over and trapped it under his cup! So I had to ask- "so, what now Mr. Trapper Man? How are you going to get it out of there? It will run away!" To which he grinned (that's what he does when he doesn't really want to tell me stuff) and said "well, it's not going to run away...it's not all the way under the cup....I'm currently suffocating it with the rim just like a mouse trap." You have got to be kidding. What else could I do but walk away?
Next day: Hubs goes to work. I take the kids to school. I'm all alone except for Duke, our elderly Great Dane- he's absolutely no help at all. I was literally run out of my home by two mice. I was sitting at the table, having coffee and a bagel before I tore into the boxes in the living room, and out of the corner of my eye I see a tiny shadow darting across my kitchen floor. I look, and sure enough, there it was, a tiny one, but doesn't that mean they're faster runners? I had traps, so I set out all I had, I think it was a six pack, and baited them with peanut butter and went outside- no way was I staying in there during that mess! So I called my husband while I was peering in the kitchen windows from outside, and told him what was happening, and he had the nerve to laugh at me again. I do not care, I was not going to witness that. And I still had to make a plan for disposing of it if I actually caught one, so I was outside. And then- the Snap. Oh God. Now what? He's laughing, still, and told me to just pick up the trap and all and throw it out, and the boys could take care of it when they got home. Um, NO? I'm not touching any part of that! So, I devised a plan. I would get an empty granola bar box and a broom, and hold the box with my foot, sweep it in, and then sweep the whole works outside. Done! While I was outside, another mouse, a necrophiliac mouse, had also come along to view the proceedings. I went in, and thought "oh, it looks bigger in the trap", and walked closer only to find that another mouse had come along and cuddled up and WENT TO SLEEP next to the dead one!!!! I took pictures. I knew nobody would believe it. Back out I went. Called Hubs again. More laughing. Necrophiliac mouse went and hid, as he should have. Shame on him. I used my granola bar box and got the dead one outside, over the retaining wall, and sat down and waited some more. Outside. Nothing. By then it was time to go get the boys from school (yes, this took all day) so on the way home I explained what had happened and that I needed to have one of them empty the trap so I could set it again. Right away, Caleb and Joshy volunteered like I knew they would and did the job as soon as we got home (not without inspecting the dead mouse, hey- it was the first one they'd seen up close). I went in, and went about putting laundry away, and I opened the basement door to go to Zach and Justin's room- and there it was! Necrophiliac mouse! I kind of panicked- because I didn't have any traps down there- they were all in the kitchen! Now, I should add that those two little ones are the critter catching-est kids you've ever seen. Lizards, snakes, frogs, whatever. They're quick. Caleb happened to be close by, so I whispered "Caleb! Come here quick!" He ran over and I showed him, "there's a mouse right down there at the bottom of the stairs. Think you can catch it?" He looked at me like "what makes you think I can NOT catch it?" and kicked off his shoes, and on tiptoe, flattened himself up against the stairway wall like Mission Impossible, and skipped down the stairs, snuck around back of the mouse, who was busy looking through the carpet fibers and thinking of dead mice, crouched down, and quick as lightning PEEP! Snatched that mouse off the floor with his bare hands!! I about fainted. All he could do was call for Joshy to come look at how cute it was. Bleah. I told them to get rid of it outside.
As soon as we got back upstairs, we could see one under the fridge, so I thought well, maybe they can just catch this one too. Caleb got on one side of the fridge, Joshy on the other, and they were both reaching behind it as far as they could go, and they kept saying "we can see it! Try to make him run this way!" And do you know those little sh*ts caught that one too? Caleb caught it, and he took it outside, and they were going on and on about how cute it was, and soft fur, and gross gross GROSS. (that part was me) I called Hubs again, and told him what had happened, and he said, "well, they know they can't keep them right? You did tell them that, right?" Well, no- it never occurred to me that they'd want to! He was right. When I said to them that they couldn't keep it, Caleb hung his head and said, "well Josh, you better got let the other one go". WHAT?? You kept it? WHERE? And along comes Joshy with a bucket...with Robert in it. (they named it Robert.)
I let them keep them for awhile in the bucket, but eventually they took them out to the woods and let them go. It was a sad day for them. And and exhausting two days for me! (they named the other one Bill)
I really can't remember every funny thing they've ever said or done, but I can tell you it's a lot!
We have 6 boys- the oldest is 20 and is a helicopter mechanic in the Army, he's stationed in Alaska. It sucks. I miss him terribly. He was just home at Christmas for a week, though, and that was nice. He had to run around too much while he was here and I think it was frustrating for him. I know it was for me.
Anyway- that's Joe. Then there's Zach, he's 12. He mixes up his words a lot and mispronounces things and it cracks me up! Sometimes it's just epic. Then Justin, he's 11, he's the reader of the group- like chock full of completely random things. Most are useless. Then there's Josh A. He's 10. He flips out about meaningless stuff a lot, and really wants to BE big and older, and it's just not happening fast enough for him. He's the science-ey type. We bought him a watch for Christmas last year and he's worn it for the last 365 days without fail, to the point of giving himself a pressure ulcer from too tight of a band. That kid:) Then there's Josh K. (Joshy) (that's right- two Josh's). He's 9. This boy is a wild man. Like cannot sit, in the office at school all the time, acting crazy every second he's awake- but then loves his kitty cats and will sit and hold them for hours, until they scratch and bite him because they no longer wish to be held. Last but not least is Caleb, who is also 9. He is probably the toughest kid I know. Super fast runner/tree climber/bike rider- he scares me. And the two 9 year olds are just three days apart- July 10 and July 13. So that's the bunch of them. They're maniacs.
Now- when we met, I told my husband I was scared. "Too many", I said. He grinned. "Too much". He grinned. "How will we do it?" I said. He grinned. And then he said "Baby, we got this." And we do:) I love him so.
I don't know- This won't be in any particular chronological order, I mean later it will be, but when I start thinking about all the crazy things they've said and done, they thoughts just keep coming! And when you start reading this, you'll know it's a wonder I can string two thoughts together at any given time. We live out in the country, so there's lots of room for them to invent these things to do...
So- ok. We just moved into a new (to us) house this past fall. Now, I'm not scared by much- but I REALLY do not like possums and mice. I don't know why- I have had pet boa constrictors and pythons, and lizards and tarantulas, and stuff usually doesn't scare me. But those two things just don't sit with me. I once shot a possum on the front porch of my house with a .22 magnum, and since it wouldn't stop moving I was afraid it was coming for me so I shot it 6 times....so, it's like that. Joe thought I was AWESOME for doing so (he was about 8) and then reenacted the whole story for anyone who would listen, complete with writhing on the floor imitating the possum. Nice. Well, when we moved, this house had been vacant for awhile while they were renovating. So, that's when The Drama started. The night we moved in, we were just exhausted- it had rained on us all flippin' day long, we and all of our stuff was covered in mud- it was really terrible. We collapsed into bed at like 11:30 that night. The next morning, Hubs and I went down to the kitchen and I went to make the coffee. I saw then while I was rinsing the pot out that I had forgotten to let out the dishwater I had the night before when I was wiping things down. So, sleepy headed me, reaches down without much thought- you know, we were discussing what we wanted to get done and set up and unpacked that day, and yada yada. I reach in and grab the dishrag that was floating on top, and threw it in the other basin, and in the same movement I stuck my hand in to reach for the plug and looked down....to see A DEAD MOUSE DROWNED IN THE DISHWATER! Holy crap!!! Well, I had a less than mature reaction to that little event- and so Hubs came over and got it and threw it outside while I Cometed and then bleached the sink and everything else in the entire kitchen. So, alerted by my screeching, naturally all five come running in, and I told them what happened. Well- the hunt was on. It was like that movie Mouse Trap. I told Hubs I thought I just needed him to set some traps, but he's so clever and all, his reply was "well, it looks like you've got that part under control- just leave a sink full of water every night!" You know, that's not funny.
That night, we hadn't seen a mouse all day, I was under the delusion that we were safe. Until bedtime. Hubs and I had gone out to the patio and sat on the porch swing and were having a drink, and when we came in, he went to put the glasses in the sink, and I went to the laundry room. When I turned and came out- he was gone! Or at least I thought he was- I saw him then, just the top of his head peeking over the top of the bar. I thought "what is he doing down there?" and went around to see.....and there they were. He had his cup upside down on the floor. Naturally, my heart began to pound- "what is that? what are you doing? why is your cup like that?" and then I realized- he had a mouse under there! He saw it running across the floor, simply stepped over and trapped it under his cup! So I had to ask- "so, what now Mr. Trapper Man? How are you going to get it out of there? It will run away!" To which he grinned (that's what he does when he doesn't really want to tell me stuff) and said "well, it's not going to run away...it's not all the way under the cup....I'm currently suffocating it with the rim just like a mouse trap." You have got to be kidding. What else could I do but walk away?
Next day: Hubs goes to work. I take the kids to school. I'm all alone except for Duke, our elderly Great Dane- he's absolutely no help at all. I was literally run out of my home by two mice. I was sitting at the table, having coffee and a bagel before I tore into the boxes in the living room, and out of the corner of my eye I see a tiny shadow darting across my kitchen floor. I look, and sure enough, there it was, a tiny one, but doesn't that mean they're faster runners? I had traps, so I set out all I had, I think it was a six pack, and baited them with peanut butter and went outside- no way was I staying in there during that mess! So I called my husband while I was peering in the kitchen windows from outside, and told him what was happening, and he had the nerve to laugh at me again. I do not care, I was not going to witness that. And I still had to make a plan for disposing of it if I actually caught one, so I was outside. And then- the Snap. Oh God. Now what? He's laughing, still, and told me to just pick up the trap and all and throw it out, and the boys could take care of it when they got home. Um, NO? I'm not touching any part of that! So, I devised a plan. I would get an empty granola bar box and a broom, and hold the box with my foot, sweep it in, and then sweep the whole works outside. Done! While I was outside, another mouse, a necrophiliac mouse, had also come along to view the proceedings. I went in, and thought "oh, it looks bigger in the trap", and walked closer only to find that another mouse had come along and cuddled up and WENT TO SLEEP next to the dead one!!!! I took pictures. I knew nobody would believe it. Back out I went. Called Hubs again. More laughing. Necrophiliac mouse went and hid, as he should have. Shame on him. I used my granola bar box and got the dead one outside, over the retaining wall, and sat down and waited some more. Outside. Nothing. By then it was time to go get the boys from school (yes, this took all day) so on the way home I explained what had happened and that I needed to have one of them empty the trap so I could set it again. Right away, Caleb and Joshy volunteered like I knew they would and did the job as soon as we got home (not without inspecting the dead mouse, hey- it was the first one they'd seen up close). I went in, and went about putting laundry away, and I opened the basement door to go to Zach and Justin's room- and there it was! Necrophiliac mouse! I kind of panicked- because I didn't have any traps down there- they were all in the kitchen! Now, I should add that those two little ones are the critter catching-est kids you've ever seen. Lizards, snakes, frogs, whatever. They're quick. Caleb happened to be close by, so I whispered "Caleb! Come here quick!" He ran over and I showed him, "there's a mouse right down there at the bottom of the stairs. Think you can catch it?" He looked at me like "what makes you think I can NOT catch it?" and kicked off his shoes, and on tiptoe, flattened himself up against the stairway wall like Mission Impossible, and skipped down the stairs, snuck around back of the mouse, who was busy looking through the carpet fibers and thinking of dead mice, crouched down, and quick as lightning PEEP! Snatched that mouse off the floor with his bare hands!! I about fainted. All he could do was call for Joshy to come look at how cute it was. Bleah. I told them to get rid of it outside.
As soon as we got back upstairs, we could see one under the fridge, so I thought well, maybe they can just catch this one too. Caleb got on one side of the fridge, Joshy on the other, and they were both reaching behind it as far as they could go, and they kept saying "we can see it! Try to make him run this way!" And do you know those little sh*ts caught that one too? Caleb caught it, and he took it outside, and they were going on and on about how cute it was, and soft fur, and gross gross GROSS. (that part was me) I called Hubs again, and told him what had happened, and he said, "well, they know they can't keep them right? You did tell them that, right?" Well, no- it never occurred to me that they'd want to! He was right. When I said to them that they couldn't keep it, Caleb hung his head and said, "well Josh, you better got let the other one go". WHAT?? You kept it? WHERE? And along comes Joshy with a bucket...with Robert in it. (they named it Robert.)
I let them keep them for awhile in the bucket, but eventually they took them out to the woods and let them go. It was a sad day for them. And and exhausting two days for me! (they named the other one Bill)
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| First mouse |
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| Necrophiliac mouse! |
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| Caleb after the mouse |
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| This is Robert. |
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| This is Bill and Robert. |
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