Keep It To Yourself.

Last night Joshy and Caleb were telling Hubs how they'd "manned up" and moved a bunch of firewood to a dry location because it was wet (read: we threw it down the hill). Hubs said "wow...that was manly. Have you got any hair on your chest yet?" to which Joshy replies "nope; but I have armpit hairs coming in- I can feel it with my tongue when I lick my armpits!" and since he had no shirt on, put his arm in the air and....licked his armpit. After Hubs and I recovered from the shock of seeing him do this, he says " oh that's nothing, I can put my tongue between my toes too!"


Oh God. Please make it stop.

Pew pew pew!

Caleb: I want one of those red dot sights on my gun...when I get a gun, that is.
Me: red dot...that's a laser sight.
Caleb: it's a laser?? Cool! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Me: no, not that kind....of laser. You know what, nevermind. Pew! Pew! Pew!

The Hunting Trip (part deux)

Deer Season 2010...right before Joe was due to leave for basic training. Hard to believe that's been that long ago....but also one of the funniest Joe moments ever!

So, off we go to Osceola for the weekend. Everyone is there, and it's a great time just like normal. Saturday morning- opening morning. We had finally gotten all the boys down the night before- those 6 had the WORST cases of buck fever EVER! They could not sleep- it was funny:) Hubs had told Joe to be ready by 5:30- they were going to head out early and be in the woods at first light. Well, our alarm went off, and Hubs figured since they hadn't gone to bed till late, and they're not exactly early risers, he'd let them sleep a few more minutes. About 15 minutes later he got up, got all dressed, and went upstairs to get some coffee. He gets in there to find Joe standing there, in the dark, leaned against the wall, boots, coat, rifle, READY. Hubs looks at him, nods- morning Joe, why didn't you make the coffee?
Joe: you didn't say to. You said to be up and ready at 5:30, and that's all you said for me to do, so that's what I did.
Hubs: yeah....ok Joe. Well, next time....coffee. Ok?
Joe: yes sir.

Hubs went down and woke the other two monster buck hunters, and they got ready and got their hot chocolate, and off they went. I stayed in with the wee ones; it was a bit cold out that year to take them out so early. It wasn't long and I heard bang! Bang! Bang! ok...I figured they'd head back soon and hang their deer. Nope....they were gone, and gone, and gone....I finally gave up waiting and went back to bed.

They eventually came back, two deer in tow. Hubs was laughing so hard- see, Joe had never gutted a deer before. This was his learning experience. And boy did he learn a lesson...

Joe sat on his little stool Hubs had left for him, waiting for his deer. Pretty soon it came along, and Joe took his shot. He said "it jumped up and turned around and ran- I thought I missed it! So there I am, silently throwing a fit and banging my fist on my knee, by myself in the woods." Hubs shot his not long after, and decided he'd better go check on Joe. He gets over there, and Joe's still sitting on the stool.
Hubs: well, I heard you shoot, where's your deer?
Joe: I think I hit it...it ran off.
Hubs: huh. Well, you sure you hit it?
Joe: oh yeah, I hit it.
Hubs: well, get up. Let's track it.
Joe: ok...
Hubs: (after walking about 50 feet) Hey Joe, is this your deer? This dead one laying here bleeding all over?
Joe: yep, thats the one.
Hubs: you shot it in the heart with a 30.30 Joe. It wasn't about to run far. How come you didn't get up and look for it?
Joe: you told me to stay here until you came back.
Hubs: right.....

Hubs: ok, well lets get this thing gutted, I've got one laying I need to do too.
Joe: ok....well where do I start?
Hubs: (points) well, you can start at either end, really, but once you get down to this end here...well, you've got you a little buck, so you've got, um, "equipment" to deal with too.
Joe: Oh. I see that. Well- here goes.....(he starts in on it)

things were going pretty well until he got to that "one end"

Joe: now what?
Hubs: well, you'll have to get that out of the way; cut around it, and then you gotta, um, cut the butthole out- otherwise if you cut into it, all that stuff in the intestines will come out...and then you've got a real mess. It's best to keep all that on the inside.

Joe: makes sense. Ok...and he grabbed him a big ol' hand full of deer nuts and went to town cutting. (I am so sad I wasn't there to witness this).
He gets around all that, and then...the butt.
Joe: so, whats the best way to do this?
Hubs: (and here's the lesson) well, some people stick their finger in there and just cut around that, and then pull it all out.
Joe: really?
Hubs: yep.
Joe: ok....He extends his pointer finger....moving ever so slowly closer to the deer...and stopped about 1/4" from that poor deer's behind- and he looked up at Hubs and said "is this how you do it?
Hubs: (unable to keep from laughing any more) no, Joe.....don't stick your finger in there.

What's the lesson?

First one up makes the coffee.

The Hunting Trip

This was a couple of summers ago, but we laugh about it still. Most of you have heard this one, but it's a goody that needs repeating!


Caleb and Joshy decided one day when it was about 100 degrees out, that they needed to go hunting. Since we had just gotten Duke a camo collar and leash, they decided they would take him along as "the dog". After all, every hunting party needs a good dog, right? I should add that Duke is really good at napping, and finding warm or cool spots to lay depending on the weather. One time he killed a groundhog, the excitement was too much, and he came in the house and threw up. So this was the "hunting dog" and it was all because of his attire. He wasn't too keen on going, but since they had him on a leash, he really had no choice.
I asked them where they were going, and told them not to go too far, and they said they would be fine because Josh had his bow, and Caleb had his bb gun along, so I shouldn't worry, because they would be safe. Besides, they had Duke, and he's taller than them. Well ok, as long as you think you are.
They took off to the woods, and I went back to washing, and I guess it was about 45 minutes later when they came back....
They came busting in the door, huffing and puffing, beet-red in the face- and the two biggest brown eyes next to the two biggest blue eyes I'd ever seen! Duke was with them, and he just collapsed onto the kitchen floor in a lather and covered in mud.....

Me: what happened?
Caleb: oh, we were so scared just now! Something was following us in the woods!
Josh: yeah! We were being stalked!
Me: By what? A bear?
Them: we don't know! But Duke knew it- he was pulling and pulling on the leash, so we just had to let him go, and he ran off! So we were walking, and walking, and then we could hear it....."chinka-chinka...chinka-chinka".....(meanwhile their eyes are getting bigger and bigger....
Me: oh my...that does sound scary, what did you do?
Them: well, we walked some more, very silently, and then it was closer! *chinka-chinka....chinka-chinka* (and you have to know Caleb was motioning his hands back and forth like that, like chinka chinka)
Me: Oh you guys.....what happened then?
Them: (while hunkering down together in the kitchen to show me) we got down like this....and I got my bow ready, and he got his bb gun ready......and we could HEAR it crashing through the brush!! It was so close then!
Me: *gasp*! Then what?
Caleb jumps up- It was HIM! (points at Duke) he was on the ground rubbing his back in the sticks like this (rolls on the floor to show me)
Me: Oh my, what a bad dog! Why is he so wet and muddy?
Them: well, because he went to get in the neighbor's pond because he was too hot, only we couldn't go there to get him because you and dad told us to stay away from there! So we decided to keep hunting without him, and then he was lost!
Me: well...was he lost? Or was he trying to catch up and follow you home?
Them: we don't know! He just left us!
Me: well....maybe...just maybe....he wanted to go swimming? And what you heard were his tags jingling?
Them: (looking at each other) oooooohhhhhh.....yeah, maybe.....

They haven't gone hunting without Dad since;)

Kind Of Old People

Josh: mom, how old is Uncle Larry? (again, his randomness kills me)
Me: well, I'm not sure. Why don't you ask him sometime?
Josh: Well.....I bet he's kind of old, like 35 or something.
Me: Maybe......I'm sure it would be ok to ask though if you're not sure.
Josh: No- I don't want to humiliate him. Sometimes people get mad if you ask how old they are; not kids though. Kids don't care. But people who are kind of old do.


Heh heh heh......and I just had a birthday that made me......kind of old.

Mr. President

Josh: if I ever become president, I'm going to make a law that all food shall be free. Because if you don't have a job, you won't have any money, and then you'll just have to eat sticks or something, and that's not nice.
Me: well, that would be nice...
Josh: that way the hobos can get food too. Did you know there are actually people who go out and look for hobos to give them sandwiches? That because all they eat is rotten stuff. I know it seems wierd to go look for hobos on purpose, but those people are really brave!
Me: why don't you just be one of those workers who feed the homeless?
Josh: no way! Hobos terrify me!


And being president doesnt?

Good thing...

Joshy: it's a good thing we don't have giant flowers here.
Me: why not? Giant flowers are pretty.
Joshy: yeah, but a garter snake could climb up into one and hide, and then if we pick it and put it in a thing on the table, when we sit down to eat supper, it WILL come out, and there will BE a snake on the table at supper!
Me: good thing we don't have any giant flowers...

Manwich

Joshy: mom, what's a warlock? (I have NO idea what brought this on- he was eating cereal.)
Me: oh, it's kind of like a man witch.
Joshy:...like sloppy joes?
Me: what? ....oh....Manwich....ok. You got me.