Hi Karate

I snagged my pinky on Justin's tshirt sleeve the other day, and it really hurt! Justin looked at me and said "good thing this isn't my Bruce Lee shirt....it probably would have ripped your whole arm off".

Identity Crisis

Josh: mom, where are my financial records?
Me; you're 10, you don't have any financial records.
Josh: well....what are financial records?
Me: (explained what that is) why do you want to know that?
Josh: because the guy on tv said I should guard my financial records so nobody steals my identity!
Me: Josh....nobody is going to steal your identity.
Josh: Good- because that's creepy!  

It's 100% cotton!

After hearing a lot of banging and thumping that can only be described as "ruckus" in Josh and Caleb's room, Josh came out and I said "what are you all doing in there? You're supposed to be cleaning your room. Are you doing that, or are you beating holes in the walls? Because it sounds like you're beating holes in the walls."

Josh: No mom, we're not doing that. We're just throwing a football around in there and stuff. But it's not a big real football- it's a tiny little soft one full of cotton!

Me: You're sure it's cotton? You tested the fibers to see if they're cotton and not a blend?

Josh: It's cotton, mom. Caleb threw it at me and it hit me in the crotch and it didn't even hurt!


Science- meet your new test dummies.

The Birthday List

This is the week of birthdays in our house- we have three in 4 days! Josh K., Caleb and Zach. I was going into the store with Josh the other day, and I said "do how old are you going to be? 41, right?" he said "mom, I'm going to be 10, you already know that! Besides, if I was 41 my birthday list would have had cooler stuff on it. Like a gun, a truck, and a big tv." At least he's planning:)

The Monkees

Justin: Josh, you're an idiot. I think the monkey that plays the cymbals in your head ran away.

Hahahaaaa!!!! I love my kids:)

Snakes Alive...

Today I went to pick up Joshy at school. After a stint of being homeschooled he decided he'd like to go back, so he goes for a half day and we finish working at home. When I went to the door, he was waiting there with the principal and when she opened the door there had been a little garter snake hiding under the edge of the weather strip on the bottom, and he fell out when she opened the door. Well...she let out a scream that would wake the dead and I can't be sure, but out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a trickle of pee running down her leg from under her skirt. Josh was behind her and couldn't reach it, so he yells "get him, mom!" so...what could I do? She was panicked and it looked like it was heading into the building....so as casually as I could (with all the kids filing by from lunch recess) reached down and picked it up. Naturally it decided to be dramatic and flail around and try to bite me, which made her squeal even more- so I took it over to the grass and got rid of it as quick as I could. But-too late....we had an audience of about 25 fourth graders watching. Guess who the cool mom is now? :)

On the way home I found out that Caleb and Josh have a plan. After they eat lunch and go outside, they line their lunchboxes up by the building. We have a small rural school that has a lot of trees around. Their plan is to "catch things" at lunch recess, sneak them into their lunchboxes and bring them home. I highly discouraged this...after what I saw this morning I can't even imagine what would happen if their "pets" got out in the classroom...not to mention driving home unknowingly hauling a mini zoo in the back seat. I don't mind most critters, but I certainly do not want a snake slithering up my gas pedal leg.

Keep It To Yourself.

Last night Joshy and Caleb were telling Hubs how they'd "manned up" and moved a bunch of firewood to a dry location because it was wet (read: we threw it down the hill). Hubs said "wow...that was manly. Have you got any hair on your chest yet?" to which Joshy replies "nope; but I have armpit hairs coming in- I can feel it with my tongue when I lick my armpits!" and since he had no shirt on, put his arm in the air and....licked his armpit. After Hubs and I recovered from the shock of seeing him do this, he says " oh that's nothing, I can put my tongue between my toes too!"


Oh God. Please make it stop.

Pew pew pew!

Caleb: I want one of those red dot sights on my gun...when I get a gun, that is.
Me: red dot...that's a laser sight.
Caleb: it's a laser?? Cool! Pew! Pew! Pew!
Me: no, not that kind....of laser. You know what, nevermind. Pew! Pew! Pew!

The Hunting Trip (part deux)

Deer Season 2010...right before Joe was due to leave for basic training. Hard to believe that's been that long ago....but also one of the funniest Joe moments ever!

So, off we go to Osceola for the weekend. Everyone is there, and it's a great time just like normal. Saturday morning- opening morning. We had finally gotten all the boys down the night before- those 6 had the WORST cases of buck fever EVER! They could not sleep- it was funny:) Hubs had told Joe to be ready by 5:30- they were going to head out early and be in the woods at first light. Well, our alarm went off, and Hubs figured since they hadn't gone to bed till late, and they're not exactly early risers, he'd let them sleep a few more minutes. About 15 minutes later he got up, got all dressed, and went upstairs to get some coffee. He gets in there to find Joe standing there, in the dark, leaned against the wall, boots, coat, rifle, READY. Hubs looks at him, nods- morning Joe, why didn't you make the coffee?
Joe: you didn't say to. You said to be up and ready at 5:30, and that's all you said for me to do, so that's what I did.
Hubs: yeah....ok Joe. Well, next time....coffee. Ok?
Joe: yes sir.

Hubs went down and woke the other two monster buck hunters, and they got ready and got their hot chocolate, and off they went. I stayed in with the wee ones; it was a bit cold out that year to take them out so early. It wasn't long and I heard bang! Bang! Bang! ok...I figured they'd head back soon and hang their deer. Nope....they were gone, and gone, and gone....I finally gave up waiting and went back to bed.

They eventually came back, two deer in tow. Hubs was laughing so hard- see, Joe had never gutted a deer before. This was his learning experience. And boy did he learn a lesson...

Joe sat on his little stool Hubs had left for him, waiting for his deer. Pretty soon it came along, and Joe took his shot. He said "it jumped up and turned around and ran- I thought I missed it! So there I am, silently throwing a fit and banging my fist on my knee, by myself in the woods." Hubs shot his not long after, and decided he'd better go check on Joe. He gets over there, and Joe's still sitting on the stool.
Hubs: well, I heard you shoot, where's your deer?
Joe: I think I hit it...it ran off.
Hubs: huh. Well, you sure you hit it?
Joe: oh yeah, I hit it.
Hubs: well, get up. Let's track it.
Joe: ok...
Hubs: (after walking about 50 feet) Hey Joe, is this your deer? This dead one laying here bleeding all over?
Joe: yep, thats the one.
Hubs: you shot it in the heart with a 30.30 Joe. It wasn't about to run far. How come you didn't get up and look for it?
Joe: you told me to stay here until you came back.
Hubs: right.....

Hubs: ok, well lets get this thing gutted, I've got one laying I need to do too.
Joe: ok....well where do I start?
Hubs: (points) well, you can start at either end, really, but once you get down to this end here...well, you've got you a little buck, so you've got, um, "equipment" to deal with too.
Joe: Oh. I see that. Well- here goes.....(he starts in on it)

things were going pretty well until he got to that "one end"

Joe: now what?
Hubs: well, you'll have to get that out of the way; cut around it, and then you gotta, um, cut the butthole out- otherwise if you cut into it, all that stuff in the intestines will come out...and then you've got a real mess. It's best to keep all that on the inside.

Joe: makes sense. Ok...and he grabbed him a big ol' hand full of deer nuts and went to town cutting. (I am so sad I wasn't there to witness this).
He gets around all that, and then...the butt.
Joe: so, whats the best way to do this?
Hubs: (and here's the lesson) well, some people stick their finger in there and just cut around that, and then pull it all out.
Joe: really?
Hubs: yep.
Joe: ok....He extends his pointer finger....moving ever so slowly closer to the deer...and stopped about 1/4" from that poor deer's behind- and he looked up at Hubs and said "is this how you do it?
Hubs: (unable to keep from laughing any more) no, Joe.....don't stick your finger in there.

What's the lesson?

First one up makes the coffee.

The Hunting Trip

This was a couple of summers ago, but we laugh about it still. Most of you have heard this one, but it's a goody that needs repeating!


Caleb and Joshy decided one day when it was about 100 degrees out, that they needed to go hunting. Since we had just gotten Duke a camo collar and leash, they decided they would take him along as "the dog". After all, every hunting party needs a good dog, right? I should add that Duke is really good at napping, and finding warm or cool spots to lay depending on the weather. One time he killed a groundhog, the excitement was too much, and he came in the house and threw up. So this was the "hunting dog" and it was all because of his attire. He wasn't too keen on going, but since they had him on a leash, he really had no choice.
I asked them where they were going, and told them not to go too far, and they said they would be fine because Josh had his bow, and Caleb had his bb gun along, so I shouldn't worry, because they would be safe. Besides, they had Duke, and he's taller than them. Well ok, as long as you think you are.
They took off to the woods, and I went back to washing, and I guess it was about 45 minutes later when they came back....
They came busting in the door, huffing and puffing, beet-red in the face- and the two biggest brown eyes next to the two biggest blue eyes I'd ever seen! Duke was with them, and he just collapsed onto the kitchen floor in a lather and covered in mud.....

Me: what happened?
Caleb: oh, we were so scared just now! Something was following us in the woods!
Josh: yeah! We were being stalked!
Me: By what? A bear?
Them: we don't know! But Duke knew it- he was pulling and pulling on the leash, so we just had to let him go, and he ran off! So we were walking, and walking, and then we could hear it....."chinka-chinka...chinka-chinka".....(meanwhile their eyes are getting bigger and bigger....
Me: oh my...that does sound scary, what did you do?
Them: well, we walked some more, very silently, and then it was closer! *chinka-chinka....chinka-chinka* (and you have to know Caleb was motioning his hands back and forth like that, like chinka chinka)
Me: Oh you guys.....what happened then?
Them: (while hunkering down together in the kitchen to show me) we got down like this....and I got my bow ready, and he got his bb gun ready......and we could HEAR it crashing through the brush!! It was so close then!
Me: *gasp*! Then what?
Caleb jumps up- It was HIM! (points at Duke) he was on the ground rubbing his back in the sticks like this (rolls on the floor to show me)
Me: Oh my, what a bad dog! Why is he so wet and muddy?
Them: well, because he went to get in the neighbor's pond because he was too hot, only we couldn't go there to get him because you and dad told us to stay away from there! So we decided to keep hunting without him, and then he was lost!
Me: well...was he lost? Or was he trying to catch up and follow you home?
Them: we don't know! He just left us!
Me: well....maybe...just maybe....he wanted to go swimming? And what you heard were his tags jingling?
Them: (looking at each other) oooooohhhhhh.....yeah, maybe.....

They haven't gone hunting without Dad since;)

Kind Of Old People

Josh: mom, how old is Uncle Larry? (again, his randomness kills me)
Me: well, I'm not sure. Why don't you ask him sometime?
Josh: Well.....I bet he's kind of old, like 35 or something.
Me: Maybe......I'm sure it would be ok to ask though if you're not sure.
Josh: No- I don't want to humiliate him. Sometimes people get mad if you ask how old they are; not kids though. Kids don't care. But people who are kind of old do.


Heh heh heh......and I just had a birthday that made me......kind of old.

Mr. President

Josh: if I ever become president, I'm going to make a law that all food shall be free. Because if you don't have a job, you won't have any money, and then you'll just have to eat sticks or something, and that's not nice.
Me: well, that would be nice...
Josh: that way the hobos can get food too. Did you know there are actually people who go out and look for hobos to give them sandwiches? That because all they eat is rotten stuff. I know it seems wierd to go look for hobos on purpose, but those people are really brave!
Me: why don't you just be one of those workers who feed the homeless?
Josh: no way! Hobos terrify me!


And being president doesnt?

Good thing...

Joshy: it's a good thing we don't have giant flowers here.
Me: why not? Giant flowers are pretty.
Joshy: yeah, but a garter snake could climb up into one and hide, and then if we pick it and put it in a thing on the table, when we sit down to eat supper, it WILL come out, and there will BE a snake on the table at supper!
Me: good thing we don't have any giant flowers...

Manwich

Joshy: mom, what's a warlock? (I have NO idea what brought this on- he was eating cereal.)
Me: oh, it's kind of like a man witch.
Joshy:...like sloppy joes?
Me: what? ....oh....Manwich....ok. You got me.

Barging In

An oldie but a goodie...

Joshy: mom, I need a barger thing.
Me: a what?
Joshy: you know, those things people use when they just barge in on someone?
Me: I think you mean a battering ram...or a ramrod...
Joshy: yeah- that. I need one of those things.


I don't even want to know.

Way to go, Grace....

This morning I dropped my phone on the floor after a few botched attempts to catch it. Justin happened by about that time, and without even looking up from the floor, mumbled "nice hands, feet".

Thanks, Justin.

Moisty?

Getting in the truck last night after a light rain...

Zach: it's really moisty out here...moist...moisture, whatever it is!
Me: moisty?
Zach: yeah, it's really damp.
Jason: it's called rain, son.
Zach:oh...has it been raining?
Me: wait- you just said....nevermind. Yes, Zach. It's moisty.

The Great White North

Zach and Justin, pondering the whereabouts of Alaska-stationed brother Joe:

Zach: (looking at a map) so where's Joe at?
Justin: up there, in Alaska. In the middle of it.
Zach: the middle...here?
Justin: no doofus, that's the United States. He's in the US, just in Alaska. Here. (points)
Zach: oh...well what's this big space in the middle?
Justin: it's Canada, you dope.


So proud. So. Proud.

Little Dirty Birdy Feet...

Well a big thank-you and kiss on the cheek to Hubs for reminding me of this one...

During the summer, especially on house cleaning days, when the boys are outside, I lock the front door to keep them from running in and out of it and tracking the house up, and also because there is no way of knowing what they'll bring inside with them that they just HAVE to show me. Once Caleb caught a lizard, which bit him on the side of his hand and hung on. Instead of prying it off, he ran all the way into the kitchen to show me that it was hanging there like an ornament. I don't mind lizards, but that certainly does not mean I want one in my bed, so if you please, can you take it outside before it drops off in the house? His answer was "oh no, he's real mad, he just bites harder when you touch him". Well as long as you're sure.
Sometimes they tell people that I lock them out of the house- they leave out the part where the other three doors are open, just not the front door. You should see people's faces when they tell that..."she locks you out?" oh yeah, she wants to keep the house clean. Haha!

Anyway, during one of these locked-door-because-moms-mopping days, the windows were open, and Caleb and Joshy had killed a bird with their bb guns and "field dressed" it. Now, if you're squeamish, or some kind of PETA person or something, you should stop reading now. Look; our kids think that animals (wild ones, anyway) are here to be shot, dressed and thrown on the grill and I'm inclined to go along with that because it drastically reduces our grocery bill. They once shot a chickadee while they were at grandpa and grandmas, and since you don't shoot animals unless you intend to eat them, grandpa plucked that little thing, stuck it on a stick and roasted it and they ate it. That's right, they ate a chickadee. But they learned their lesson. Or so we thought.
Those two killed this bird, cleaned it, and brought it to me wanting me to start them a fire so they could eat it. I told them no. I told them to get rid of it and to not do that any more. Well, after being upset about wasting it, (I told them that next time they should coordinate schedules for roasting with the fire-maker to prevent waste) they threw it in the ditch for the critters to eat. Let me rephrase that. They threw most of it out. Because the next thing I knew, they were at the window again with the dismembered legs, pulling on the tendons making the feet flex and bend and stuff..."look! If you pull on these threads the feet go like this: *scratch*scratch*scratch*" while they were pinching and scratching each other with them. All I could say was "you better get that mess off my porch!"

Fast forward to the next morning. Laundry day. I'm unloading the washer getting ready to hang a basket out on the line, and after I'd emptied it, I looked in and there appeared to be a small stick laying in the bottom. I picked it up...it was a bird foot. One of them had put it in his pocket "for later". I laid it on the corner of the washer and called Joshy in (he was closest) and said "I think this belongs to you..." and his face lit up like Christmas morning, "you found it! I thought I lost it!" and off he went...I told him to just not keep it in his bedroom.

Beavers

Joshy while hiking around some ponds where there was lots of beaver sign: "it's raining beavers!"


Haaaa!! And not one of them is old enough to laugh like i did.